A Pie Worth Fighting For

I'ma let you finish, but my Aunt makes the best pumpkin whoopie pies OF ALL TIME.

I really dislike Pennsylvania. The woods aren’t right; they’re too open, scraggly, and too airy. Sure, the hills roll. But there’s nothing on the other side that you’d ever want to see. It’s a weird, insular place. Maybe it’s because I lived in the bubble of college life out in the sticks there, but it seems like a place cut off, and apart. Woods should be like they are in Maine, deep and towering and dark and comforting. I can’t deal with any state that doesn’t have a real coastline. So yeah, I’m not a fan of the Keystone state. And now they’re trying to claim they’re better at making Whoopie Pies. Open up a can of Whoopie, USA Today:

And 21-year-old Josh Graupera of Lancaster got so worked up after hearing about Maine’s [legislative proposal to declare Whoopie Pies the state “treat”] that he and a friend organized a rally in downtown Lancaster on Feb. 19 attended by 100 people, including one person who carried a sign “Give Me Whoopie, or Give Me Death.”

“We thought we would organize as many people as possible to stand up and say, ‘You’re not going to take our heritage from us,'” he said. “This is a Lancaster County tradition.”

That’s how terrible Pennsylvania is; 100 people will come out to protest for desserts. You’re whole state is one step away from being Cleveland, and you want to argue about snacks. YOU’RE THE REASON FOREIGNERS HATE AMERICA.

“They can have their lobsters,” Graupera said.

Oh, snap. That’s right, Maine. Keep your world-renown delicacy. Maine is so stuck-up with their lobster and skiing and top-notch coastlines! We’ll keep our underground coal fires and classy sports fans and our sandwiches with french fries in them. PA stinks. For reals.

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