“The Black Eyed Peas Hit It Out Of The Park With Stunning Super Bowl Halftime Show.”

America agrees, that sucked.

United We Hate

But the folks over at something called “Starpulse” wrote the headline above. They absolutely gush about the performance two nights ago. Put your lips on Fergie’s saggy bottom, you shameless wanna-be publicists:

The Black Eyed Peas turned Texas’ Cowboys Stadium into a spectacular light show as part of a stunning half-time performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday. (Stunning is certainly the word I would use. -ed.)

The band raced through hits like Boom Boom Pow, I Gotta Feeling and Let’s Get It Started, while guitarist Slash joined them for a brief version of Sweet Child O’ Mine, and Usher also took the stadium stage to perform his hit OMG(osh. Way to have artistic integrity, guy with two periods in his name. -ed).

Is turning your art into a crappy lounge-singer parody of itself in front of thousands uncaring bystanders emotional? YOU BET YOUR MOLDED PLASTIC HAIRDO!

[O]n his Twitter.com page, [Will.i.am] wrote, “We are about to get dressed now for the show. ‘Uh oh’ here comes the nervousness, I never get nervous… what are these butterflies doing here?

He continued: “What indeed? I am a songsmith! I crave the adoration of the crowd, I long to use my words and my voice to lift them from the spectacle of this dull game, this gridiron-ed drudgery, and transport them along the undulating curves of our melodies, carry them with the hypnotic intricacy of our lyrics, and raise their eyes to a land more beautiful, a world more pure, than this pale and veil populated by armored brutes. But whyfore the butterflies of weak nerves? A POX! Indeed, as I bespoke to my twitter audience (my twitudience, if I may make so loose with the syntax of our beloved English language), my steady voice and calm eye have seen us through many other performances without this most shameful affliction, which is fit only for cowards and the Irish.”

“Yet if I do cry, they will be tears of purest joy, a crystal nectar fit for lovers and poets and dreamers. For as I have often said, ‘I got that boom boom pow.’

Fact: The creators of Oregon Trail originally wanted to have players die of Black Eyed Peas, but had to settle for dysentery. Otherwise everyone would realize the game was made by time travelers. HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN ITS GRIPPING REALISM?

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