Retro Foodies

D.C. has an awesome food scene. My personal favorite, as mentioned, is New Heights, but that may be because I consider gin an integral part of the meal.

Sorry this doesn't live up to your standards, Lord High Fauntelroy Mountbatton Douchington.

But not everyone has my high standards. Some people are actually more crude. Imagine that. Time highlights the rise of “dude food”, and marvels at the reversal of gender roles among the Food Network and Travel Channel set.

Time points to some awesome cooks and books, like James Beard. They also highlight a site called “Cook To Bang“. It’s unclear if this site is ironic, or just outrageous, or a little of both. Sample, the Silly Willy Crab Chili:

“That silly willy gets all over the place! Feed it spicy food and watch it zoom around the room like a monkey on a meth/Viagra cocktail. Shenanigans shall ensue and it will get messy!”

Despite the humor (editor – ?), the recipes look delicious. Time’s thesis is that gender roles are changing drastically.

“Can you imagine Don Draper roasting a chicken? Of course not. As a result, early male food personalities were generally gay, from the effete Gourmet columnist Lucius Beebe to the earthy but flamboyant James Beard himself. For much longer than you might have expected, many of the top male food stars have been either openly gay, like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy‘s Ted Allen, or, if straight, like The Galloping Gourmet‘s Graham Kerr, not really the kind of guy you could imagine sharing a Schlitz with.”

I know three things. How to cook. How to treat a woman. And how to verify a historical thesis (editor’s note; there are at LEAST three inaccuracies in this list). This list of famous chefs features shockingly few women among the ranks of exceptional cooks. Obviously Time is talking about DOMESTIC cooking, and the rise of men doing-it-for-themselves. I’m fortunate in that both my parents are excellent cooks. The Mad-Men-style gender roles didn’t ever really occur to me in the kitchen. I bet it didn’t occur to most similarly aged guys either. The Times is likewise clueless over what is masculine.

Guy Fieri is the Dudai Lama. Nobody else comes close to manifesting effortless machismo the way he does on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives; no costume department could ever have come up with his look: spiky, bleached hair, bowling shirt and perpetual sunburn. Fieri’s effusiveness, his trademark exclamations (“fierce,” “kewl”) — he’s the guy whose house you want to be at for the Super Bowl.

Listen up. I speak on behalf of all men: Guy Fieri is a douche. He may be a serviceable cook, but he’s a role model only for those interested in an empty artificial persona, making money watching other people work, and crying alone at night with your lips around a pistol. Regardless, arguing that men being good at cooking is somehow new or strange is historically inaccurate, insulting, and downright idiotic. We’re men. We’re good at everything.

Fartbirds stolen from Warming Glow, which we can’t recommend enough.

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