Editor’s Note – And you thought this whole “Dinosaur on a Bike” conceit was just a silly gimmick. Well, it is, sort of. I mean it takes him forever to write a danged article. Claws aren’t great with keyboards, you know. He constantly misses deadlines, he’s very sensitive about his tail, and they do not make toothpaste strong enough to cover up such a carnivorous lifestyle. But we love him anyway.
Hey ho, Jerome here. Sorry I haven’t been around a lot lately, but I’ve been kinda down. It’s hard being a Velociraptor in a big city. So many tasty morsels running around. . . sometimes it’s hard to control myself. I was grooving to the Black Keys on my iphone, walking by a sweet dog park. The guitar riff from “I Got Mine” hit me, and next thing I knew dog owners were crying, there were some dogs barking, and I’m halfway through a Pekingese! I don’t even like Chinese food!
I don’t know how I find myself in these situations, man. Like this winter, I was all jazzed for the snow storms, and went up to the big snowball fight. Unfortunately, we all know how that turned out. Making snowballs with no thumbs sucks, man. Then that guy saw me and freaked. I hightailed it out of there, just wishing I had a nice paleolithic swamp to curl up in.
Anyway, when something like that happens, the only way to get over it is to round-up my peeps, go out, and just party. Dance it out, bitches! But then I wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Despite what my girl Ke$ha says, that sucks.
Fortunately, Science! is here to help. I don’t know if my tiny brain is anything like your huge human ones, but scientists discovered a molecule in the brain responsible for hangovers. You know what this means, everybody. We have to invade your brains, and get rid of that little bastard once and for all. To arms! Get that snowball cop on the line, I bet he can get us some guns. The 2nd Amendment applies to dinosaurs too, right?